And I am already posting! Usually this is a late-night escapade which means that many nights it just doesn't get done. Tonight I actually have some *down time* which is soooo rare. Alaina is in bed, Caleb is riding his bike all over the house, and Jason is getting a quick shower in before the dorm kids get back and we sit down to watch the AMAZING RACE.
Wow. The last few weeks have been incredible exhausitng. Physcially. Mentally. Spiritually. It has been so, so hard and yet I know it has been good for me. It is good when I am pushed, pulled, stretched, and forced to figure out what I really feel, what I really believe, and what I really want. I can't say that there has been much resolution to any of the things going on but at least I am *starting* to see that perhaps times of trial can be good for me. If it makes me stronger, if it makes me a better mom or a better wife, if it makes me more genuine to myself and others than it is GOOD. The tears and the pain are so hard and yet the woman who emerges on the other side will be worth knowing. Will be worth befriending. Will be worth trusting in. I *want* to be a better woman, I really do. I just don't always like what it takes to get me there.
And so I've been doing a lot of thinking, of reflecting, of praying. And it seems when I am considering the deeper things in one area of my life I tend to stay in the pensive introspective mode and let it wander to other areas of my life. So many things are being rexamined right now and I hope that this time is good for me. And for my family.
Okay, enough of that. I could go on and on and on about what I have learned and it would probably be therapeutic for me but now just isn't the time. And, lots of fun and every day things are happening all around me so I want to mention those, too.
Oh my kiddos. I LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH! It is so fun to watch them start to interact and play more and more. I love seeing their unique personalities grow, interact, clash, and compliment. I love seeing how God has made each of them so unique, so special. I love watching them learn about life, about people, about how the world works. Each of their senses is on overload -- absorbign all that the world throws at them. Touching, tasting, seeing, smelling, and hearing. How amazing it all is. I don't want to miss this part of parenting. I don't want to get so lost in the diaper changing, clothes washing, story reading, room cleaning, and kid washing that I miss THEM. That I miss learning who they are and valuing them for their unique spirit and personality. I want to ENJOY them. I want to enjoy the world through them. I want them to know that I think that each and every thing they do is SPECIAL. So if Alaina wants to make crafts everyday and in the process she cuts up every piece of paper she can find...I need to enjoy it with her (and then teach her to clean up!) If Caleb wants to carry and/or cart around every stuffed animal he can manage to get his arms around then I should enjoy his love and tenderness and wonder at his love of affection.
Okay. Getting deep again. Wasn't going to do that. I'll just go now. I guess I'm not ready to be light-hearted. And I need to let this little boy in bed before the RACE starts. I'll just leave you with a two-page LO I worked on for a few days. It's really different for me and I keep thinking I may change it. BUt here it is for now. It is true, real, authentic, and raw. But it's all me.
This is the journaling:
One of the most important things that I can do as a mother is to show you the things of God. To show you what it looks like to live a life of faith. Of trust. I must admit, though, I am not doing a very good job of it right now. I know, I know, you are still too young to understand what is going on right now, but when I saw this picture of you and how grown up you look, I realized that even now, you are watching me, learning from me, and looking to me to show you the way in life.
To be honest, Alaina, right now I am scared. I am scared, anxious, and unsettled. The future is unknown to me and it makes me feel hopeless. I am a mother of two wonderful kids and in a few short weeks we will all welcome a new member to this family. Three kids, age three and under, and I cannot tell you what our lives will look like a few months from now. I have no idea where we will be living, what we will be doing, or how we will take care of you. And I’m scared.
I want so much to trust God right now, to trust that He has a plan for us. I know it is true, and yet living out that conviction is another matter. I know that our choice to leave our current jobs here in Malaysia
And so Alaina, I am sorry. I am sorry that I am not doing a very good job of showing you what this life of faith looks like. I am sorry I cannot model for you complete and total trust in a loving and faithful God. I am sorry that I cannot be a rock of strength for you. I am sorry that there have been days when we have switched roles – where you have come to me, looked at my tears, and said, “Why are you so sad, Mommy? It will be okay.” And then you sit and cuddle with me and ask me what will make me happy.
I know the future will be okay. I know that everything will be worked out and our family will be right where it is supposed to be. We’ll be together, and that is what matters most. Thank you, my sweet little girl, for inspiring me to love more, to trust more, and to live out a life I claim to believe in. I will do my best to show you the ways of God. But on the days that I fail, on the days when I can’t seem to find it within myself to believe or to trust, look past me and onto to the One who is truly worth following. Everything will be okay. He promises.
Don't change a thing about this layout Janet!! It's absolutely GORGEOUS!! Everything in it-from the picture, papers, stitching through the holes just blows my mind(yes I LOVE this) but your journaling is FABULOUS!! It is just straight from the heart and I think so many of us Moms could write these thoughts-you are showing your daughter faith-just by continuing on in the ways of the Lord. She will grow up knowing that it's not always easy and we cry and hurt but we also follow God through it all! Sorry for the book :)
Posted by: Margie | March 30, 2006 at 01:51 AM