I'm having an India day. Not in my normal use of the term "India day" but I am having one nonetheless. Usually when I say that it means I am just having one of those days where I miss India deep inside me. I miss everything about it -- the pulse, the chaos, everything. And today may in fact turn into one of those. But no, today is just one of those days where life itself reminds me of India. You see, India is incredibly chaotic. It is big, dirty, smelly, busy, poverty stricken. Everywhere you look there is chaos. And tragedy. And hopelessness. There are no "good sections" of town where you can escape. There are days you feel like you are drowning in the misery. But then, you come upon something beautiful. You see a gorgeous mansion amongst the dilapidated shacks. You see a bridal procession pushing through the beggars. You see a golden temple with dirty cows just outside. The beauty does not have a place of its own. It just has to lived within the chaos and filth. That's what I feel like today. Chaos everywhere. Hurt, frustration, desire, noise. Just like India. Things just keep piling on and I feel like I am drowning. I wanted to start my post today with, "Life sucks." I know, I know. Not a good choice of words and yet that was the thought in my mind. But then, as I went to grab my second cup of coffee for the morning I looked out my window. And I saw something beautiful. I saw two of my kids (who are part of the chaos that surrounds me) walking to breakfast (they go over every morning to see Jason) and they were holding hands. Just two little kids, walking down the path, holding hands as they chatted. Ah, the beauty amongst the rubbish. The bright moment in an otherwise dark time. I need those. I guess life is just a lot like India. We wish the chaos would go away. We wish we could escape the dirt, the filth, the hurt, the hunger, the utter despair. We want to find the "nice sections" of town where we can forget about the filth. But we can't do that. We can't escape it. We have to live in and among it and then find the beauty. It's there. Sometimes you have to look carefully and other times it just pops out at you. But it is there. Yep, life's just like India.
Okay, thanks for indulging me in my very introspective moment. I am actually a very deep thinker and feeler. Usually for my blog, though, I try to keep it a little light hearted. But I just had that moment and I wanted to share.
And not to leave you with lots of questions...things are just a bit hard right now. Not any one thing just lots of little things. We are having some work situations, I feeling low for no apparent reason, Alaina has pink eye, etc. etc. And to top it all off, Alaina came in this morning and I looked at her forehead and was thinking how much baby hair she had coming in. Then I looked closer and saw that that "baby hair" was incredible even. "Um, Alaina sweetie...did you cut your hair." No answer. "Alaina" (more sternly now), "did you cut your hair?" The head nods. OH. MY. GOODNESS. Yes, yes, I know. Lots of kids do this. I understand this. It's just that I REALLY thought that Alaina wouldn't. After the fateful princess-cutting outfit fiasco last spring we have talked about cutting. About once a week we have a conversation that goes like this: "Alaina, what are you allowed to cut?" "Paper." "Anything else?" "No." "Okay, good." Seriously, having my daughter cut her hair is one of the worst things I can imagine. Yes, I know in the great scheme if things there are A LOT of worse things. But this is my nightmare. I really can't believe she did it. AND, she covered it up. When I finally got her to tell me where she did it and to show me the hair, she told me, "I put it in the trashcan and covered it up." So not only does she know how to disobey, she knows how to lie and try to cover it up. My heart really just broke. Not over the hair, but the fight with sin. I wanted to remain in my parental state of bliss where my daughter was almost perfect. I have no idea how to deal with stuff like this. She doesn't throw tantrums, she doesn't hit her brother (well, not very often :), she says please, thank you, and excuse me. She is pretty much the best little girl I could dream of having. So, it broke my heart to know she is capable of deception. Ugh. I guess when it rains, it pours. I'll get through this time...with Alaina, with work, with life. Just need to keep looking for the beautiful things.
Okay...a few LO's to share before I turn off the computer for they day and get some other things done.
We went the pumpkin patch a few weeks ago. We went to the fields to find a pumpkin but Alaina couldn't find one she liked. So we went to the stand with all the pre-picked ones. She looked and looked and then finally...she picked the white one!
Since Levi turned six months yesterday I thought it was about time I made his five month page! Six month page to come!
Have a GREAT day!
You are such a great writer Janet - you wrote your feelings out in such a great way - not too deep at all! I said a little prayer for your struggles - I too had a day yesterday that was just DARK - ugh. Beauty sure is there and God makes it more apparent right when we need it it seems. Press ON!
Great LO's as always dear!
Posted by: MandaKay | October 19, 2006 at 08:18 AM
Love your Beauty Amongst the Rubbish insights! And what an apropro title!
Love the LOs of Levi!!! He is just too cute, especially with that little bear!
Posted by: Rona | October 19, 2006 at 12:52 PM
{Sniff Sniff} It does get depressing, doesn't it, this whole sin thing...I look at my little pup and see already how he does wrong and KNOWS he's doing wrong, and I just want to wrap him up and protect him from the world, but really the bad is already in him, little and cute as he is. :( Glad you are able to see the good in all the chaos and yuck. It reminds me to look for it. Hope things start looking up!
Posted by: Kellie (joelsgirl) | October 20, 2006 at 03:28 AM