I just can't do it...

I just can't find the words.  For weeks I have been trying to say something...on this blog, to my husband, even to God.  I am trying to find words for some of the things going on in my heart.  And I can't. The emotions are there -- raw and deep -- but there are no words.  I am just thankful that the Spirit interecedes for us when we don't have words.

And just so you don't worry -- nothing bad is going on.  Well, that's not true.  Not at all.  There a bad things going on all around us.  There are horrible things.  There are evil things.  There are kids being sold into slavery at the alarming rate of 2 every minute.  There are millions of kids around the world going hungry and being left as orphans.  There are people who kill their children for all sorts of reasons -- everything from "they would be an inconvenience to me and my lifestyle" to "our tribe believes that with twins, one is evil and one is good.  We don't know which one is which so we will just leave them for the animals to eat."

My heart is so, so, heavy and the tears are real and a daily occurrence.  I do not know why God is giving me a glimpse of His view of the world...all the hatred, all the poverty, all the hopelessness, all the selfishness, all the materialism, all the hunger, all the people (including me) who spend the vast majority of their lives worrying about what would make THEM more comfortable. They watch their stocks and their banks accounts and worry that they might not be able to go on their luxurious vacation or (gasp!) they might have to downsize from thier 3000 square foot home to something (double gasp!) "small" like 1500 square feet.

I don't know what to do.  I can't think straight, I feel useless and hopeless, and want nothing more than to be down on my knees asking what, if anything, I can do.  And no, living in Indonesia in my comfotrtable house with my cupboards full of food and enjoying cheap massages and the simpler way of life overseas doesn't cut it. Don't be fooled, many missionaries live incredible, wasteful lifestyles. In Manila I was told of the many missionary men in the city who don't see sleeping with their househelpers as a problem. It isn't about where you live that matters -- it is the life you live.  One day, when I come face to face with Christ, I want to be able to humbly say, "I did all that I could with all that you gave me."  Those amounts will vary greatly among people,  but we should all strive to be able to make the same statement.

I want to remember two very important passages:

1. 1 Corinthians 3:12-15  Now if any man builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw, each man’s work will become evident; for the day will show it because it is to be revealed with fire, and the fire itself will test the quality of each man’s work. If any man’s work which he has built on it remains, he will receive a reward.  If any man’s work is burned up, he will suffer loss; but he himself will be saved, yet so as through fire.

2. Luke 12:48: From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.

Sorry to be so heavy.  But those are the only words I can find.

Comments

[Kellie]

I don't know why I read this. You bring way too much conviction to my frufru heart.

[Hollie]

I *so* hear you, Janet. All those things really impact me deeply as well. So much so that sometimes I just feel so incredibly overwhelmed...well, just know that you are not alone and I totally understand your lack of ability to put into words what you feel/think. ((HUGS))

[jenny]

Very heavy...but so true.

[Heather]

Thank you for sharing what is on your heart. I've been feeling like this too, where my heart is heavy but I can't articulate what's wrong.
Will be praying for you!!

[Cheryl]

Thank you Janet for sharing. Isn't it wonderful that the Holy Spirit does intervene for us in times like this?

Anyhow, I wanted to share an exercise I learned from the National Writing Project a few years back. It is extremely powerful and cleansing.

In a quiet place by yourself, grab a paper and pencil and timer. Begin thinking about your subject (I would pray too and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what He wants). Set the timer for 5 minutes and as fast as you can write every word, thought, and phrase that comes to mind. No grammar rules apply. No complete thoughts or sentences necessary. Whatever pops into your head scribble it down. If you begin to draw a picture - go with it. It's your time to let it all out. If you end up with only a list of words that's okay. The hard part is to keep your brain from trying to write paragraphs. I find that if I stick to only single words and short phrases I unearth a lot more - (but that might just be me). There is no order to this wherever you feel led to write something on the paper do it. You may find your self somewhat ordering thoughts...just let your subconscious do the work. The only rule - DON'T THINK TOO HARD!

When you are finished you go back through it and begin to weed out, or to see the pattern of what you were trying to dig up and articultate, but never found the way - until now.

I used this to articulate my brothers death. I was 10 and that time and for 17 years struggled with a lot. At 27 I found this exercise and discovered a lot about myself and how that affected me.

So- for what it's worth - there it is...

Cheryl

[Margie S]

Thanks for sharing your heart Janet! There are days I feel the same way as I look and hear about the things that surround me. Sometimes I get so frustrated too because I can't speak the language fluently enough to go to people so I get too scared. Years ago, I was going through something thinking I didn't do enough to help someone and a girlfriend called me "out of the blue" and gave me this verse from Mark 14:8 She has done what she could.....My friend didn't know what was going on inside me but felt compelled to share that part of the verse with me. The Lord always reminds me of that. We do what we can with what the Lord gives us. It's all His anyway!
Be encouraged...He will show you more and more all that He has for you to do. We often forget just how important prayer is-thinking we always need to be out and about doing something. If that is what needs doing, then yes, but the power of prayer is amazing as you know :)
Be blessed in Him today :)

[Julie Marie]

Thank you for the thought provoking post, I blogged more about it...