Our Children are a Blessing {even in the crazy times}

I made a comment on Facebook yesterday that said this: "Janet Phillips is wishing that people could see their kids as a blessing -- even in the hard times.  Parenting is a sacred calling and not to be taken lightly."

I had a number of comments and I started to comment back and then realized I am much too long winded to do it there.  In fact, I am so passionate about this that I could easily write every day on this subject. Every day.  I sure talk about it enough (just ask my husband).

Let me say first that the comment is not addressing the days that everyone has.  Believe me, I have moments that I want nothing more than to run away.  I want to go for more than 10 seconds without hearing the word "MOM!" I get tired, frustrated, whiny, and overwhelmed.  Every mom does.  Every mom.  I can only imagine what my three siblings and I put my mother through.

No, my comment was not in reference to those moments.  My comment was in reference to a much deeper issue, a much bigger problem, an epidemic that seems to be sweeping through -- people seeing their kids as something they must endure.  Kids are something that are getting in the way of the lifestyle they want, the time they want for themselves, the outings they want to take.  Basically, "If my kids make my life any harder than I want it to be, they are to blame."

I believe this attitude comes out of pure selfishness (and believe me, I can be guilty of this too!)

Who really loves to be interrupted a billion times a day?  Who really loves cleaning up poop and puke (I have "enjoyed" both this week). Who really looks forward to little people who are supposed to be in bed standing in your doorway with a guilty look on their face? No one loves this.  No one gets excited for this.  No one, when they are pregnant with their first child dreams of all the messes they will get to clean up, all the snot they will wipe, all fights they will get to referee.  No, those are not the highlights of parenting.

But you know what?  They are part of the deal.  When we choose to have children we sign up for ALL of it -- not just the fun and easy parts.  We don't get to decide which parts of parenting we will work hard at and which parts we won't.  We have been given a sacred calling and my fear is that many people are taking it much too lightly. People are wishing their kids away, rejoicing that school is starting and they can get their life back, lamenting that their kids "poor teachers" have to deal with their kids all day. And that breaks my heart.

God has given me a high, an extremely sacred, a not-to-be-taken lightly calling.  After years of miscarriages and infertility He blessed me with four children.  I don't know why He chose me.  There are thousands of amazing couples out there dreaming of having children but God continues to say "No."  I really don't know why He said "yes" to me, but He did.  And now I have a job to do -- a job that is filled with hard work, tears (the kids AND mine), sweat, frustrations, joys, triumphs, failures, and more.  But God called me to this -- am I going to wish it away? Am I going to live my life, day in and day out, with an attitude of "I am going to do as little as possible so that I don't feel guilty, but I don't have to sacrifice that much either"? Am I going to let my kids get away with being rude, selfish, and undisciplined because to fight the battle with them would take too much time on my part?  Am I going to find every way possible to have them away from home so that I don't have to deal with them? Am I going to provide their home and their food and their clothes and call it good enough? No!  I am going to do more than that.  Even when I don't want to!

As parents, we need to look at parenting like any other job -- except that we have a much cooler boss -- God Himself.  We need to work at it with all diligence, working unto the Lord.  Just like with a "real" job you have certain hours that you just have to work.  You have to do things that you don't want to do.  You have to deal with personalities that are far different than your own.  You have to do jobs that you think someone else should have to do.  You have to miss out on things you really want to do because you have to work.  You can't say to your boss, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do this task today because I am too busy watching TV." You can't say, "I know this long term project was really important to you but every day I just didn't really feel like it and no one else around me was doing it, so I just skipped it."  You can't say, "I think I am just going to sit at my desk and surf the net and I am just going to cross my fingers that the work gets done." 

No, just like we can't say those things to a human boss we can't say them to God. We can't tell Him that parenting is more work than we thought it was going to be so we quit.  We can't tell him that we will do any parts of parenting that are fun and/or easy but the hard stuff is someone else's responsibility.  We can't say to God, "Well, this isn't the kind of kid I thought I was going to get so it's not my problem."  We can't say that, and we shouldn't want to.

So we need to ask ourselves some very important questions:

1) Am I doing everything I know how to do to bring these children up in the love and discipline of the Lord?

2) Am I harboring a complaining spirit or am I reminding myself that "I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength" ?

3) Am I frustrated and tired and overwhelmed because of something I have/haven't done?

4) Bad days aside, do I truly see my children as a gift and am I pouring my whole heart and soul into raising them into maturity?

5) Does my frustration and anger come from a place of selfishness -- am I upset because in its most basic form, I am not getting my own way?

6) Am I trusting that someone else (school, church, family, friends) will do the hard parts of raising my kids (and no, I am not trying to say that everyone should homsechool, I touched on that issue HERE.)

7) What is the overall message I am sending to my kids?  Do they know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are LOVED, CHERISHED, ADORED, and WANTED?  If you tell them (or others) over and over that they are driving you crazy, that you can't wait for school to start so they are gone all day, that you can't wait until they grow up and move out...if your kids hear that every day what will be the result?

Once we are honest with ourselves on some of those questions, we need to start figuring out what we need to do.  How can we put off our human nature which shuns hard work and inconvenience and instead embrace the calling we have been given? How can we as parents start to see our children as a calling, a blessing, a delight when each day is filled with anything but delight?

Here are some things that I am (imperfectly) trying in order to do this task of parenting to the very best of my ability.

1) Get rid of the idea that parenting should be easy or that it should come naturally. Parenting is hard work.  Lots and lots of hard work.  If we go into each day knowing that is the case, we are less likely to be surprised (and therefore annoyed) and how much effort it takes.

2) Remind yourself daily that these children are a blessing. 

3) Keep in mind that the chance to raise these kids to maturity only happens once. There are no do-overs.  If it isn't done well the first time they will sent off into the world left to grow up on their own.

4) Our children model the behaviors they see in us much more than they model our words (ouch!) If we are expecting love, obedience, respect, submission, hard work, good attitudes, and a cheerful spirit we must make sure they are seeing those in us.

5) Our main job as parents is not to provide food and clothes and toys and "great opportunities" to our kids.  Our main job is to teach them the tools they will need to be successful adults who make a contribution to their world.  We need to ask ourselves if we giving them tools or just more "stuff."

6) We need to understand that we do not have the strength to do this on our own.  We must cling to God and ask Him daily for the strength, wisdom, patience, and endurance that we need.

7) We need to nourish our own hearts and minds.  We need the Bread of Life. We also need lots of sleep.  You will be amazed at what regular nights of appropriate amounts of sleep will do for your attitude (and your kids!)

8) We need to humble ourselves and ask for help when we need it.  Not just help as in "Oh can you babysit tonight so I can have a night off" but help as in, "okay, we have some major disobedience issues going on and I am out of ideas."  Those cries for help are hard, but necessary.

9) We need to ask ourselves what we want our kids to remember most about their childhood and/or their parents. Build the life for them that you want them to remember.

10) Remember, "You are becoming the parent you are now."  Meaning, you can't put things off until "later." You can't say, "I will be more patient with my kids when ________."  You are becoming what you are now.  Ask yourselves if this is a good thing.

11) Remember that "foolishness is bound the heart of a child." That is a fact, not something we can make untrue.  They are going to make mistakes, are going to be annoying, are going to frustrate you, and going to drive you to the brink of insanity...what is your response going to be.  What is God's response to YOU when you screw up, when you are whiny, when you don't meet expectations, when you are demanding, when you don't obey?  

Our children are a blessing (even in the crazy times).  Do you really believe that?

P.S.  You can read some earlier posts HERE and HERE on the same subject

Comments

[Michelle Filo]

amen!

[Kimberly Geswein]

As someone who is your facebook friend and has recently had a few status updates about "I can't wait for the school year to start!" I will own up to that. I love school. I love teaching. I love when my kids are happy and run into class and learn from their awesome teachers at the Christian school we're blessed to both work at and send our kids to.

I love building relationships with high schoolers and seeing their faith grow. I love everything about the school year and everything that it entails.

I am a better mom to my kids and a more patient, loving mom when I take them on the bus, go running, come home and drink coffee in a quiet house, pray, teach all afternoon, and then ride home with them on the bus.

We spent every single minute together this summer traveling the US on our "summer home". By the end of the summer, my kids were SO ready for school. *They* wanted a break from so much togetherness. They wanted their friends. They wanted to escape our tiny apartment.

I think it is possible to both be eager for school to start & to have the normalcy & regularity of a SCHEDULE!!! (this is my biggest complaint about summer- the unscheduledness and unpredictability of days spent on vacation!) and I'm always always ready for my husband to go back to work too!!! Since he is a teacher too, well, in the 4 weeks we have been back in China.. the 4 of us all crammed into the one and only air conditioned room in our house gets pretty old!

I agree that children are a blessing. I had multiple miscarriages and can only see my kids as gifts from God. BUT, I also love school. I love getting things accomplished with just little ole me at the grocery store or running errands. I love a quiet empty home for an hour or two! It gives me balance. I was at home with my girls until they started junior kindergarten and I enjoyed that time too, but I really really love this phase too!

[Kimberly Geswein]

oops, didn't finish this comment:

I think it is possible to both be eager for school to start & to have the normalcy & regularity of a SCHEDULE!!! and to love and cherish and appreciate the gift of your children.

Sorry, that didn't make sense without the second half attached! :)

[Amy]

Amen.

Before having children, I truly didn't know there was a difference between keeping them alive - food, clothing, shelter - and mothering them - nurturing, cherishing, training.

I'm afraid that many moms still don't know there's a difference.

I also dealt with infertility. We are now expecting our 4th child. I can so relate when you say that I don't know why He chose to say 'yes' to me. But he did. And even on those really hard days, I need to be unexplainably thankful.

Thanks for the well-written, heartfelt post!

[Laura]

Lately I have been feeling completely overwhelmed by my kids and not sure what to do about it. So I keep putting the issues on the back burner until I can wade my way through it.
Your post was pretty much exactly what I needed to read to get back in the game. Thanks, Janet.

[Jennifer W]

You make many great points Janet, but I do have to agree with Kimberly that being excited for school to start doesn't necessarily equate to "wishing your kids away" or not considering them a blessing. I am excited for (pre)school to start because I thrive on structure and schedule. I also find that if I have an hour or two alone to regroup I am a much better mother to my children all the remaining hours of the day. I truly do consider my children a blessing...ALWAYS, but I am still looking forward to school starting. ;)

[phillipsfamily]

Sometimes it is so hard to convey thoughts without missing something or people not fully understanding what you are saying.

My point isn't that people looking forward to school starting are in the wrong or wishing their kids away. I obviously did not convey that well. My issue isn't with a mom with enjoys a bit of time alone (I even wrote a whole post on it HERE: http://www.thewellroundedmama.com/2009/07/index.html). Time alone to refresh and renew is very, very important. My issue is with moms (myself included) when they want to take the easy way out -- to find as many ways not to be with their kids as much as possible. The rejoicing that school is starting so that they don't have to be bothered with taking care of their children. It's the "Thank GOD school is starting so that someone else can deal with them all day!" comments and attitudes that break my heart. There are so many women who don't want their kids to impinge on their life at all. They want someone else to do all the work for them so they keep busy living their life.

I don't fault anyone for enjoying some quiet time, time to pursue other things, or for appreciating structure and routine. I enjoy all of those things. But they can't, and won't, ever come before my kids, nor do I ever want to see my kids as a nuisance because they are getting in the way of OTHER things. I guess in the end it is just a priority thing -- which comes first -- our kids lives or our own lives. The two can live together in harmony but when push comes to shove, my role as a mom comes first.

I apologize if I said anything to offend or to sound judgmental. It really was not my intent.

[sondie]

Thanks so much for pouring your heart into this post Janet. There has been this tug at my heart on this very same topic with my own boys and you just put it into words so much better than I could have expressed myself.

[Gretchen]

Janet, this is so well written. I totally agree with every word you wrote, even though I struggle with those negative attitudes you mentioned. I'm very thankful for my children, but I think you have helped me to see that I have treated them as an "inconvenience" too many times. I am starting my first year of homeschooling in about a week. God has been changing my heart recently about my kids (although I have always loved them more than anything and been grateful for them). With homeschooling in mind, I am realizing now (my daughter is 8 and my full-time stepsons are 15, 20, and 21) that it is not anyone else's job to educate them or train them or teach them the Bible, etc. It's MY job and privilege! I'm so excited about homeschooling my daughter for this reason. I am rambling now...thank you for this wonderful post.

[simplescrapskathy]

Read this blog post today and thought of you:
http://www.likeawarmcupofcoffee.com/home/?p=986
Enjoy :) .

[Becky]

I just want to thank you for such a good reminder. I do believe all of those things and really desire for my boys to grow up as strong Christian men and I know that parenting is a sacred privilege and as hard as it is somedays, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But, you are right, it is hard and there is no vacation from it. Just wanted to say thanks so much for being so up front and honest and reminding me of all of those things. By the way, have you read a book by Gary Thomas called Sacred Parenting? It is so good and addresses a lot of those same principles.

[Tamara]

Thanks for this reminder. It was exactly what I needed.