Time With Your Kids

Thank you so much, everyone, for your comments and private emails regarding my post about the desire to talk more about parenting.  I still feel shy about it, but as I have been praying the prayer, "Lord, break my heart with the things that break yours" I always come back to parenting.  I know I struggle so much and I know that so many others also struggle with this eternally-important task.  As much as I am afraid -- I am definitely not one from drama and controversy -- I need to speak out.  There are children's hearts at stake  and I want to do all I can to play my part in living out the Titus 2 command.  Imperfect, yet heartfelt. That I can promise.  And so I begin...

__________

Our generation is misguided.  Somehow, we have allowed ourselves to believe that there is a debate raging.  It is a “quality versus quantity” debate regarding the time spent with our children.  The battle lines are drawn as we ask the question,  “Is the amount of time we spend with our kids that is important or is it the quality of the interaction that counts?” People choose their sides and then fight in word or deed to defend their position. Stay at home moms judge and belittle working moms for the number of hours they spend away from home.  Working mothers tout the, “all she does is sit around and eat bon bons” line. Women are naturally defensive and we feel the need to rattle off any and all reasons why we -- and the life we lead -- are “right.”

There is a fundamental problem here, moms.  There is no real answer to this debate because there is a major flaw in the question itself. It really isn’t a question at all.  Good parenting is not about quality versus quantity.  I firmly believe that you cannot have one without the other and still consider yourself to be fully engaging in the act of parenting. Quality without quantity and quantity without quality are both equally dangerous and misguided.

Let’s look at two extremes of the two sides.

“Quality Time” mom:

Mom A is adamant that it really doesn’t matter how much time she spends with her daughter as long as when they are together, they make it really special.  She loves her daughter and believes that quality relationships will be built with quality time.  Mom A works a full time job outside of the home and when she gets home at night she is either busy taking care of the home, making plans for dinner, or running her daughter to various practices and programs.  Weekends are spent on various projects around the house, visiting with friends, and trying to get in a few minutes of down time as she gears up for another work week. Mom A feels good that she is exposing her daughter to lots of things and is proud that her four year old is in ballet, takes violin lessons, is at the top of her group in swim classes, and always gets good reports from the day care center. 

As busy as Mom A and her family are, she prides herself on their two yearly vacations as family.  Two times a year they get away as a family (and often with friends) and “do it up” at places like Disney or a huge water park. Those weeks, Mom A believes, are crucial to the family relationships and she feels confident that although the family doesn’t get much time together during normal weeks, these two weeks are the roots that will nourish the family in the following months.

“Quantity of time” mom:

Mom B is in a totally different situation. She spent her childhood years dreaming of getting her MRS. degree and having babies.  She never had longings for career and status.  Being a mom is what she wanted to do.  And that was that.  Mom B now has three children, age five and under.  Parenting has been a harder task that she had anticipated, and yet, she prides herself on her commitment to her kids and her willingness to be a stay at home mom.  In order to “stay sane” she likes to keep herself busy having coffee with friends, organizing play dates, watching the Food Network, and making sure the house is clean. While she does these things, the kids stay occupied with their video games, DVD player, and toys.  In fact, they have an entire room on the other side of the house dedicated to the many toys and activities they have purchased for the kids. When her kids ask her to “do something with them” she usually says she is busy or comments about the fact that they are together all day and “Mommy needs a break.”

Hopefully it isn’t hard for you to see the severe problems in both of these situations.  Mom A has convinced herself that a few big and expensive trips will make up for all the hours that she is either at work or that her daughter is in activities. Mom B things that since she is home all day together with the kids she doesn’t have to actually engage in activities with the kids -- that’s that the video games and toys are for.  After all, she is busy keeping the house clean, right?

My point in all of this is that there really isn’t a debate.  Both quality and quantity of time are necessary parts of parenting. Mom A is deceiving herself if she truly believes that a few nice vacations and perhaps the occasional movie night is going to build a deep relationship with her daughter.  Mom B, likewise, is deceiving herself if she thinks that her title as a stay at home mom will earn the love and respect of her children. 

I do want to emphasize at this point that this is not an issue about working mothers or about homeschooling mothers.  There are two women in my life that I strive to model myself after in my mothering.  One of them has seven children and has homeschooled for most of the last 15 years.  The other mother has three children and has worked, at least part time, for most of their childhood.  Both of these women are AMAZING mothers and both of them have AMAZING kids to show for it.  The thing that these two women have in common is that they both are intentional about spending time with their kids engaged in quality activities. Like I said, it isn’t an either/or debate. We, as mothers, need to invest both quantity of time and quality of time.

So how to we do this?

We have to be intentional about it.

Tomorrow I am going to share some ways that you can be intentional about spending more time with your kids and some ways that you can be sure the time you are together is meaningful and quality-filled. Time with our children needs to be plentiful, purposeful, and intentional.  Let's strive for it together.

Comments

[Kara]

This is something I'm really struggling with - intentionality. I work full-time outside the home, not by choice, but because my husband has a work-related injury and is not able to work full-time. It breaks my heart to leave my three children each morning, and I often feel as if the time we do have together is NOT quality time - it's hectic and stressed as I try to get dinner on the table, baths and books read and everyone into bed before I collapse myself. I desperately want to be purposeful and intentional in my parenting, but too often, it's just about survival.

[phillipsfamily]

I definitely hear you, Kara!  I have had to work most of our married life and
even though it was always from home, the stresses of a job make the
hard job of parenting even harder. But I know that you can do it!  One
thing that helps me along the way is knowing that parenting isnt
supposed to be easy.  The children that God blesses us with are our
people group and like with any other ministry, the results we long to
see will come with sacrifice, hard work, prayer, and lots of time. 
Although the sacrifices are hard, the results will be worth it.

Tomorrow I am going to share some ideas of specific ways to be
intentional about quality and quantity (I was going to do it all in one
post but it got really long!)  Hopefully something will be of benefit
to you!

[Chrissy]

I love your perspective and writings. I gave you a blog award today on my page! :o)

[shelby]

This was wonderful and SO very true! Can't wait for more!!

[Amy]

you are right :)
thanks for writing
will look forward to reading tomorrow

amy in peru