The Well Rounded Mama

It's Not Too Much

Life in our house is busy.  It's full of life and laughter and laundry and dishes and messes and scraped knees, and school work, and cooking, and cleaning, and sword making, and reading, and sickness, and projects, and work, and broken dishes, and muddy paw prints, and lots of little people.  Oh, and lots and lots of coffee.  Probably too much coffee.

Yes, life is busy. And some days, it just seems too busy.  There are some days that seem that too many people need too many things.  I am just one person.  I have not grown octopus arms or eyes in the back of my head. I have not managed omnipresence or omniscience.  I am just human and I get tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated.  I get overlooked, go unnoticed, and often just feel invisible.  And there are those days -- like yesterday (after two straight days of Katelynn having a high fever and two straight days of Katelynn stuck to me like glue and another late day for Jason) that in desperation I just say,

"It is just TOO MUCH!"

Since I  was expecting God's loving arms to wrap around me and say "yes, dear, it is too much," imagine my surprise when God took a "I'm talking to Job type voice" and said,

"It is too much?  Who are you to decide what is too much?  Where did you agree to 'this much' and not anything more?  Where and when did you hear that this parenting thing has a time limit, a stress limit, or a 'little people crawling all over you limit?'  When did I say that your parenting job only applied when you had enough energy or nothing better to do?  Shall I set limits to the needs these precious little ones of Mine are allowed to have?  Should I never allow them to have questions, pain, or wants so that you can 'have a little down time?' Should I have you clock in and clock out to make sure that you don't have to work 'overtime'? How many hours and how much stress are you willing to overtake...because you know, I wouldn't want to overwork you."

Thankfully, I like sarcasm.  And I think God knows sarcasm speaks to me.  I could be the queen of sarcasm if...oh,  I digress.

It was not the answer to my whining that I expected.  But it was exactly what I needed.  You would think that after seven years of parenting and many, many days of being frustrated that so many parents only put in the bare minimum, that I would get this.  You would think that  I would fully understand and embrace that following God's will for my life and being obedient to Him -- which at this time in my life is putting the raising of my kids as one of my top priorities -- means completely dying to myself.  It means that these little people -- whom I have often called "my people group" -- are to be ministered to day and night with all the time, strength, and ability I can muster up.  It means giving all, even unto death (or lack of sleep, frustration, or dishpan hands.) You would think I would get it.  But apparently I'm not quite there yet.  Yesterday's whine fest (even if it was just to myself) was proof of that.

The apostles often ministered to their people groups to the point of death.  Shipwrecks, stoning, torture, persecution. They did it -- not because it was fun, or easy, or what they wanted to do --  but because they were being obedient to a Holy God in Whom they trusted completely.  They trusted that their work was not in vain and even if no one else noticed, even if no one else cared, even if no one else gave a flyin' flip what they did, they trusted that God saw and God understood, and that God would be honored. It was -- and is -- HIS glory at stake.  

I'm not dealing with being tortured or stoned or being left for poor and starving.  I'm just dealing with puppy-chewed toothbrushes, spilled milk, and a table that I could have sworn I asked to be set by someone other than me. However, I am trying to live a life in obedience to a Holy God who told me, in no uncertain terms, that it is not "too much."  There can not be too much compassion or too much wisdom or too much tenderness or too much kindness to offer these little ones.  And no matter what Caleb tells me, I can never say, "I love you" too much.

So today I embrace it...I embrace the high fevers and soiled pants and stained table and unending rain and unanswered questions and and the off-key singing and the dog that just ate all of the treat I just made and love all of those things as much as I love the extra snuggles, sweet kisses, kind words, and pretty pictures hanging on my fridge.

It is not too much.  Parenting doesn't have an end point, a limit, or a "you've done enough" quota.  It is a daily dying to self and a trust in a God Who sees what is done in secret, even unto the least of these.  No, it's not too much.  It is enough.  HE is enough.

_____

And just in case you think I don't know my Father is loving and totally wonderful, I will say this: He is. Since writing this post earlier in the day, He has blessed me with TWO different hour-long stretches of time alone. I got to have my Bible reading during one (which then allows me to use the time after the kids go to bed to be with the hubby) and then later I got to do dishes in total peace with my Hymns album blasting.  It may not seem like much...but getting to wash ALL the dishes without having to turn off the water or my music ONCE is a very, very rare occurrence.  And, strange as I am, I actually enjoy handwashing dishes.  Once I gave up my whining and complaining spirit I was blessed with small things that made a big difference.  He is so good to me.

Totally Two

I've been wanting to post pictures of my totally two year old's birthday, but since she decided to get sick the day after, it's been hard to get much done.  Even now, she is sitting on my lap, burning up, and totally snuggled in while I type one handed.  Poor girl.

At least she wasn't sick for her actual birthday.  In fact, she was anything but sick and she had a totally fabulous time!  At this age, we usually keep birthday stuff to just family and we like to go do something all together.  So, since it had been a long time since we had a night in a hotel, we decided a night of jumping on beds and swimming in a pool were totally what we all wanted. So we packed up our bags and headed to our favorite hotel.

We have a rule in our house. One rule that has one very big exception.

RULE: We do not jump on beds

EXCEPTION: When we are at hotel rooms

I really have no idea where we got this idea.  Maybe we heard it somewhere, maybe it just made sense to us.  But we have had it for as long as I can remember and it totally works.  The kids think it is the best thing in the world.  They have absolutely no problem with the fact that we don't jump on beds at home because, in all their excited glee, they can shout, "We can jump on beds at hotels!" And yes, they can jump.  And they totally love it.  And I have been known to jump with them at times :)  And it makes already fun excitement of staying in a hotel that much better.

And swimming totally makes everyone happy...especially swimming pools with water slides

We woke up the next morning to a gorgeous view and a totally sweet two year old girl.

I've basically given up on wrapping paper here in Indonesia.  It is small, usually sold in single sheets, and most often incredibly ugly.  I have found that butcher paper and pretty ribbon works much better. 

I really love how Katie is totally checking herself out in the mirror...totally cute.

After our fabulous stay in the hotel we headed home to continue the celebration. It was almost impossible to keep the older kids from "helping" Katie unwrap her gifts.  They were all just too excited!

I could write a witty comment abut this next photo and how she is "reading" the packaging, but really I just want to show off how cute her teeny tiny piggies are.  I totally love having a little girl!

 

After her new little toys had a quick trip to "the potty" she said, "They go night-night."

And another gift that she refused any help with opening.

One totally sweet two-year-old princess coming up...

A princess can never have enough shoes...

After opening gifts, we continued on to our long standing tradition of "the birthday bed."  Normally we fill up the two-year-old's bed with balloons before he/she is awake. But since we were at a hotel...six of us in one room...there was really no way to accomplish that.  Once everyone was up, eating and swimming were on everyone's agenda and the birthday bed got skipped. No fears...the kids insisted we do it at home, even though it was five o'clock in the afternoon.  They even wheeled the bed out of her room so we could have enough light for pictures.  The kids then proceeded to fill the bed...

And then we played a game...the kids put the balloons as fast as they could while Katie tried to get them out.  She had a little help from her mama.

One totally happy birthday girl

After dinner we broke out the totally-whipped-together-last-minute cake and some candles.  And then we proceeded to sing HAPPY BRITHDAY and watch Katie blow out her candles at least twenty times.  She had little interest in eating her cake and lots of interest and blowing out those two candles over. and over. and over.  She just kept saying, "Again!"  As you wish, sweetheart.

Happy Birthday, sweet Katelynn.  We love you so much more that you could ever understand.  You have become such and amazing part of our family and we can't imagine life without you.  You bring so many smiles and so much laughter to our already amazing family.  Thank you for being you.  We are so excited to see you grow and change and be all you were created to be.  You are totally wonderful and totally loved.

It's All in the Response

I was a sneaky child.  Not just a little sneaky...but really sneaky.  Stealing candy when I was six might  have been cute, but my sneaky ways turned into anything but cute when I was in high school.  If I had a problem...if I made a mistake...if I did anything that I wasn’t proud of, I hid it.  I stole report cards out of the mail to hide bad grades. I let my teeth get crooked because I was too scared to tell my parents I lost my retainer. And I once got a stain on my mom’s sweater, so I proceeded to bleach it and then tried to paint...yes, PAINT...the bleach spot to cover it up.  Obviously, I wasn’t forthcoming with incriminating evidence against myself. I lived in fear of my mistakes.

So as a mother, I am well aware of the tendency of kids to want to hide the mistakes they make.  Whether the mistakes are deliberate or accidental, no kid really wants mom and dad to know. No child really wants to admit to their parents that they made a mistake. They fall down and don’t know what to do about it.  They break something and don’t know who to tell. However, we as parents need to know when these mistakes occur...it’s part of the job.  The job is is not to never allow them to fall, but rather, to teach them how to pick themselves up once they have fallen.  This is true whether it means they fall off a bike or they do something stupid like spill spaghetti sauce on their mom’s favorite sweater.  We all make mistakes and as parents, we need to teach our children how to handle them.

Because of my sneaky ways, I have spent a considerable amount of time thinking about how I can get my kids to be open with me...about their successes and their failures. I had my first chance to test out my plans when Alaina was just three and decided to cut her princess dress to pieces.  I remember it as being my first real parenting moment...going beyond caring for basic needs like food, shelter, and safety and moving into a real heart issue.  I knew that my reaction to her disobedience could set the tone for future problems. I came out of that incident thankful that God’s grace was able to flow through me as I talked with my daughter.

Since that time, I have had a number of other incidents that warranted incredible intentional parenting in the face of child-made mistakes.  Thankfully, the experiences have been few and far between (two involved Alaina cutting her own hair!) and most of the time I can say that our family and home are relatively free of major chaotic events.

However...

Today I had my first moment with my sweet Levi.  My little curly haired, dimple faced, three year old.  This kid just melts my heart in a way I can’t express.  He is the family comedian and tries his hardest -- and usually succeeds -- at making people laugh.  Our little joke is to call him “trouble” because one time I told him he was trouble (in a totally jesting voice) and he responded with, “I’m not trouble, I’m just having FUN!”  And usually, his trouble making ways really are fun.  They are never meant to do anything but get a laugh out of anyone around.  But today...well, today was a little different.

It was about 3:30 and I was getting dinner started.  Jason, Alaina, and Caleb were coming home on the motorbike and Katie was playing in the yard.  From the kitchen I heard Levi crying and screaming.  We’ve talked numerous times about the need for him to use words to express his frustrations instead of just crying and and as I was about to go find him and have the conversation yet again, he came into the kitchen carrying a wad of soaking wet toilet paper. When I asked him what was wrong he just kept saying with a frantic look on his face, “I don’t know what to do!  I just don’t know what to do!”  Curious as to what could make him so upset, I asked him what happened.  He just said, “I don’t know how to make the toilet paper go down!”  Not fully understanding his problem, I followed him into the bathroom where I saw the toilet filled to the brim with a TP/water mixture and the floor was soaking wet (thankfully...so thankfully, the water was clean!)  I then asked Levi if he stuffed toilet paper in the toilet.  He said yes.  When I asked why, he said in a way only Levi can, “Because I got almost ALL of it to fit!”

Stifling my giggles, I had a choice to make. I could see that Levi was being mischievous and naughty.  I could see that he now had interrupted getting dinner prepared as I had to deal with a plugged toilet and the sopping wet floor. I could get mad and get frustrated and tell him how he did wrong.  Or...

I could do what I would have wanted as a kid...what I want now when I make a mistake. Since there was no imminent danger, I ignored the mess momentarily while I pulled my sweet little boy on my lap.  As he faced me and looked at me with his blond curls sweeping into his eyes, I told him that I loved him.  I told asked him a now familiar question: “Levi, what do you do when you have a problem.”  Hesitantly, he responded with the well-rehearsed answer: “Go get Mommy or Daddy.”  “That’s right,” I said.  “When you have a problem, you come get Mommy or Daddy.  You don’t have to solve the problem all by yourself. That’s why you have a Mommy and Daddy -- to help you when you have a problem.  See, we’re bigger than you and we know how to solve problems that you don’t.  You don’t have to be afraid to tell me you messed up.  Did you know that we all makes mistakes?  And the important thing is that we learn what to do when we mess up.  And for you, that is to tell a big person that you made a mistake and you need help fixing it.”  We then talked about what he did and why it was a bad decision. We talked about how toilets and toilet paper are only for going to the bathroom.  We talked about making good decisions and asking Mom and Dad before doing something you aren’t sure about.” All in all though, I spent little time on what he did wrong and lots of time on how I loved him and that I was there to help him solve his problems and to be there when he made a mistake.

I then showed him the magical powers of a plunger and I laughed as I saw the astonished expression on his face when he exclaimed, “You made it all go down!”  We then cleaned up the floor, washed our hands, and chalked it up to a lesson learned.

As much as I hope he learned a good lesson and never stuffs toilet paper down the toilet again, even more, I hope that he learned the lesson -- from my words and my actions -- that when he has a problem he can come to me.  I want him to fully know and understand that no matter what he does, it will not change my love for him.  I never want my kids to be afraid to tell me when they have made a mistake.  I want them to learn the process of dealing with the mistakes that we will all inevitably make.  My job as a mother is not to ensure they never fall down -- physically or metaphorically.  Rather, my job is to teach them that when they do fall down, there are people there to help them get up and teach them how not to fall again.  Discipline may be involved in that process, but it is a discipline that grows out of love and compassion rather than frustration and anger.

Any parenting 101 book would tell us that one of the most important things we can do as a parent is to act, not react.  Our words and actions towards our children should be intentional, well-chosen, and grace-filled. If we let circumstances dictate our words and if we raise our voices and punish for every act of mischievousness, we risk losing the hearts and confessions of our kids.  If God were standing over me, ready to pounce on every mistake I make (and there are many!) I would never want to come to Him. But when I know his loving arms are ready to reach down and He is ready to discipline me in love, then I am eager to pour out my shortcomings before Him and to wait anxiously for His love and grace to fill up what is lacking in my wisdom. He is there to pick me up, to help my solve my problems, and to help ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes again.  And that is the picture of love that I want to give my children.

It’s all in the response, and in my ever-so-flawed way, I am working to ensure that my responses to my children are filled with the same love and compassion that God has for me.

____

And the picture?  Well, it's two years old but it is still my favorite picture of me and my little man. I think I need to hand the camera off to the hubby more often.

So Which Woman are You?

It's the middle of February and that means that I am half way done with reading my Bible in 90 days.  I cannot even begin to explain the impact that this "project" has had on me. Reading through Scripture at this pace allows for some amazing (and previously overlooked) truths. My heart is being changed and I cannot wait to turn the last page of Revelation and start all over again. Yes, it's a lot of time and a big commitment, but the nourishment of the Word is like nothing I have ever experienced.

In the last few days, I have been reading in Proverbs.  Wow.  What a way to feel convicted.  If you are ever in need of a little bit of humbling, a little bit of pride-lessening, a little bit of a "you have a long way to go in this journey of pursuing righteousness", try soaking in Proverbs for a few days.  The middle section of the book is a series of juxtapositions...most often contrasting the wicked with the righteous and the wise with the foolish.  If things like giving to the poor and keeping your mouth shut are problem areas in your life or if you struggle with giving in to laziness and empty chatter, this book is the kick in the pants you I need.

Here is one verse, of MANY, that really struck me today:

"A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands." (Proverbs 14:1).

"Hmmmm..." I asked myself.  "What does this mean?  How can one woman build while another tears down?  How can I build my house?  What could I be doing that is tearing my house down?  Why is it that the woman is said to have this power?"

So I dug a little...looked into various commentaries, searching out the reason my spirit was so struck with this verse.  I was convinced the Spirit had something to say to me.  Most commentaries just glossed over this verse.  And then I came to this:

Above all, though, the choice between Wisdom and Folly presents itself as a choice of women, the need to choose a prudent, wise wife.  The son of the Proverbs is being trained to make that choice, and parents, especially fathers, need to train their sons as Solomon did his son. Fathers must teach their sons wisdom, so they can recognize a wise woman when they see one, and desire the wise woman who is, like Wisdom herself, more precious than rubies.

14:1 emphasizes how important this choice is. The state of the house – not, obviously, just the architectural house, but the whole household – depends on the wisdom and folly of the wife. A wise woman will build up, improve, adorn her house in every way; a wise woman will raise children diligently, maintain good order in the home, assist her husband in his calling, give her husband sound advice, manage the wealth of the house carefully, and so on. In all these ways, she is building her house. A foolish woman does the opposite: She is negligent or overly harsh in discipline, too lazy to do keep the house running, demands her own way instead of seeking the good of her home, spends the money of the house badly. A man who chooses a foolish woman is doing damage to his whole life, and a man who chooses a wise woman will be blessed.

Let's take a look at this in list form. 

A wise woman will

• build up, improve, and adorn her house
• raise her children diligently (this is not a "when I feel like it" or "when others are watching" kind of thing)
  
• maintain good order in the home
• assist her husband in his calling
• give her husband sound advice (ie, advice based on Biblical wisdom, not on our wants and desires or on "what everyone else is doing")
• manage the wealth of the home carefully (no wasteful spending...food, books, clothes, movies, treats, toys...oh the ways we women can waste money!)

A foolish woman

• is negligent in her discipline or,
• is overly harsh in her discipline 
• is too lazy to run the house
• demands her own way instead of seeking the good of the home
• spends the money of the house badly

I've got a lot of work to do!  Some of these points hit me hard.  Some of these areas I have already been convicted in and have slowly (yet imperfectly) improved upon. By God's grace, with the strength that He provides, with the assurance that He desires holiness in my inmost being...I will grow to be a wise woman who builds her house instead of tearing it down. I want my husband to be blessed with a woman "more precious than rubies." 

And on a final note...if Christ uses the husband/wife relationship to describe his relationship to the church, how do you think that we, as the church are doing in being a wise wife? Look over those lists again...convicting, isn't it?

Things that are Making Me Smile

Having a hard time keeping a smiling face today...just one of those "is it my bedtime yet" kind of days.  When times like this hit, I like to remind myself of all the reasons I have to smile.  Here are a few:

1. Hearing Caleb say, "You go girl!" every time Katie uses the potty

2. Seeing Katie talk to herself in the mirror

3.  Seeing the kids and their imaginations and creativity explode.  In this picture, Alaina shows off some presents she gathered up and wrapped for Elly -- Caleb's green stuffed elephant.  Yep, that's right.  A few weeks ago they declared it Elly's birthday and they gave him gifts and we even ate cake!

4.  Since Caleb's "special item" is his green stuffed elephant, Katie has attributed the name "Elly" to any special item.  Therefore, her pink blankie is also called Elly.  And Levi's monkey blanket is called Elly. And Alaina's striped blanket is called Elly.  So at bedtime it gets rather confusing when someone says they are looking for Elly.

5.  Caleb -- my sweet little boy -- is not so little anymore.  After Church on Sunday, rather than playing on the playground with the other preschool aged kids, he declared he was going to "play soccer with the boys."  He's growing up.  But he'll still be my goofy little guy, and that makes me smile.

6. Imagination often makes a mess, but the results are worth it.  Jason set up a huge tent in the living room where the kids slept and the next morning they hung up rope so they "could do the laundry and hang the clothes out to dry."

7.  That Caleb calls Levi and Katie "the littles."  Don't know where he came up with that name.  But every day I hear, "The littles did this" or "the littles did that."

8.  Watching "the littles" dance.  Actually, during Bible time at school we always listen to a song and all four of them get up to dance.

9.  That we have fresh flowers in our yard year round

10.  That God cares about the little, seemingly insignificant things

11.  Yesterday the kids told me they had a surprise for me.  I came into the school room where they had a "meal" for me, complete with Oreos, orange juice, and fresh flowers.  Lucky, aren't I?

12.  There was also a sign on the wall for me

13.  Alaina decided that she needed to craft stuff out so she could make Valentine's for all the girls in her creative worship dance group.  She's loving all the Valentines goodies that grandma sent!

14.  Eleven years ago today Jason slipped this ring on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.

15.  I said yes.

Time With Your Kids {part 2}

Yesterday I shared my concerns about the quantity versus quality debate in regards to the time spent with our kids.  My point was that this really shouldn’t be a debate at all.  It is not an either/or question to be answered.  Time, both in quality and quantity, is vitally important to raising children. 

I encourage you to be honest with yourself.  Think through your day and your week and add up how many hours a day you are actively with your kids. What I mean by “actively” is that you are engaging in play, conversation, or some other activity with them.  Being in the same room doesn’t count (though it definitely doesn’t hurt!) Intentional, active engagement with the kids is the goal. It is quantity PLUS quality that truly matters!

If you are like me, you might be surprised.  I used to hear myself say to my husband, “But I have just spent 13 hours straight with them!”  However, the Lord really convicted me of that lie.  Although we might have all been awake for 13 hours and all been under the same roof, I wasn’t truly with them for that time.  When I took an honest look at my typical day, I realized that the number of hours I was spending time with my kids was much lower than I had thought.  I made some major changes in my life and although I have still have a long way to go, things are definitely improving.

Now before I go on to share some ways to increase quantity and quality of time with your kids, please understand this: I do not believe that mom (or dad) has to be with the kids every moment of every day.  I strongly believe in the need for kids to be allowed to play independently, without a parenting hovering. The imaginations and creativity of kids, when left alone, is often astounding. Just today I was surprised with a “meal” of Oreos with fresh flowers, doilies, and a beautiful card made by the kids. The trick is a delicate balance of mom interacting with her kids and mom allowing her kids the room to grow wings.

___________________

And now, here are some ways to add more QUANTITY of time with your kids:


If you work, regularly evaluate the need of working and how it affects your kids.  Some women work because it is the only way food is going to be on the table (and believe me, I have been one of those women.  I always worked from home, but it was still work.)  Other women work because it means a bigger house, nicer clothes, and fancier vacations.  There is a difference. If you are working simply for “more stuff” ask yourself if those extras will be worth it when your kids are grown. Do you really want to sacrifice time with your kids so you can afford to redo the living room?


Cut out some activities.  I am amazed -- sometimes even shocked -- at the number of outings and activities that some families are engaged in. Even homeschooling families are often so busy running from co-op to co-op and lesson to lesson that I have to wonder “Are they ever really home?”  Look at your weekly schedule and see how many days/nights a week you have something scheduled.  It may be good things like church activities, lessons, and visiting with friends, but understand that each of these activities, no matter how great they are, are taking away time you could be together as a family.  Does your child really need to be taking lessons in three different things?  Do you really need to go to AWANA, a Bible study, and a Sunday School get together every week? Find out how many nights of the week are filled with practices and other engagements.  I don’t like to have more than two scheduled nights away from home.  One of those is date night (just me and the hubby) and that leaves us one more that is available for other things. We had to cut out some valuable things in order to achieve this, but it is worth it for the time we are able to be together.

Eat meals together.  As someone who grew up having family dinners every night (and some years we even had family breakfasts), I was shocked to find out that this isn’t always the case.  I remember a few years ago being at someone’s house for dinner and the mother told the seven year old daughter to put the plates on the table.  The girl walked into the living room and set the plates on the coffee table in front of the TV. Her mother, embarrassed, said, “No, honey, on the table where we eat.”  The daughter exclaimed, “This IS where we eat!” Obviously that young girl was not used to eating a meal together around a real table. Meal times can be a great way to talk, share, and just be together. We have some funny moments around the table (like last week when Levi declared to us that his mouth was magic because food goes in it and then the food comes out the other end)!  It is also a great time for correcting and training in manners, respect, and listening. Just think, if you add in regular dinners around the table every night, you could add a minimum of three and a half hours of family time every week. Add in the extra benefits of family meals and you’re on your way to great amounts of together time.


Turn off the TV! Unplug, cut the cable, and actually DO something together.  Watching TV, while relaxing and perhaps entertaining,  is not actually spending time with your kids.  Sure, you may be in the same room but you are not interacting and engaging one another. TV is also a major time waster, as kids are left to watch hour upon hour of shows or while mom spends her afternoon catching up on her soaps, nighttime dramas, or reality shows. If you made some hours in your day (or days in your week!) set aside for “no TV” you might be surprised at the time that is freed up for real togetherness.

Turn off the computer.  Believe me, this is my biggie.  I have a love/hate relationship with this machine of mine. It provides me with many wonderful things, especially since I live overseas and this is how I connect with family and friends, but really, it is my biggest time waster and my biggest energy drainer.  There are some days that I just have to turn it off -- and leave it off -- so I can focus on my family.  I encourage you to be honest about the amount of time you spend at the computer.  If you are like me, “Just sitting down for a minute while I check email” can easily turn into an hour.  And then I have the audacity to be irritated when the kids need something. Computers and the internet have their place and their benefits, but they can rob you and your kids of many hours together.

Let your kids work alongside of you.  As mothers, we have a huge load to carry.  Cooking, cleaning, shopping, organizing, driving, appointment making...the list goes on and on.  Each day there are many things that need to be accomplished.  Why not let your kids be a part of them?  This is especially important with younger kids.  They want to help, they want to be with you.  I know it takes longer with their “help” but allowing them to be in the kitchen while you cook dinner or letting them sort the laundry provides what amounts to many hours of time together as well as great opportunities for teaching and training. 

A recent hike at a volcano a few hours from our house

Get out of the house.  Although I tend to shy away from lots of scheduled events and “must do” activities, I am all for excursions out of the house as a family.  I know that for our family, if we hang around at the house (especially on the weekends) I tend to find myself at the computer and Jason tends to find himself fixing stuff around the house or getting other stuff done.  But when we get in the car and go somewhere, the distractions of email and the never-ending to do list are gone and we can just focus on being together.  Take a walk, drive to a part of town you have never seen, or check out a new playground.  All of these are great ways to spend more time together.

Limit time with friends.  I am realizing that as my kids get older, they desire to spend more time with friends.  However, this is an area I want to be really careful in. Time with friends means time away from family.  If your kids are spending all day at school and then all afternoon with friends, you are losing out on some important hours. As much as the time with the kids being occupied is nice for us moms, we really need to guard the hours they spend with friends.  If you want the bulk of their training and learning to come from you, then you need to be the one they spend the bulk of their time with.

Volunteer in your child's classroom and/or Sunday school class. I volunteer to teach in my kids Sunday School classes a few times a semester because it allows me to spend more time with them and gives me a chance to see them in a different environment.  I love being able to see how they interact with their peers and how they respond in group situations. Look into seeing how you could be involved in your child’s class, either at school or in church.

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And here are some ways to get more QUALITY time with your kids (some of which are also in the quality time list)

Eat Meals together.  I have already mentioned a few things about meals together.  Here are some more interesting articles on the value of family meals: From TIME, from Meals Matter, from Families.com, and  Science Daily. Making those meals quality time can be challenging, however. We have four children 7 and under and I often feel like meals are just spent with me saying, “Katie, sit down!” “Caleb, you need to finish chewing before you talk,” “Levi, you have to wear clothes to the dinner table!” and “Alaina, you need to let someone else have a turn to talk!” However, we do try to make these times together purposeful.  Jason will often ask the kids how homeschooling went. He will also ask me how my day was (modeling for the kids how to be interested in others).  We also sometimes play games, the favorite being where we all tell one sentence of a story and the next person adds on to it.  Oh, the adventures we have had in those stories!  Most of all, though, meals are an amazing time for training...teaching kids to listen while others speak, how to look at people when you are talking, how to sit and act properly, how to not interrupt, how to deal with food you don’t care for, and how to engage in conversation.

Turn off the TV.  Just re-read what I wrote about television above. There are a few rare exceptions of course, but for the most part TV time does not equal quality time. Occasional family movie nights could have their place, especially if the movies are carefully chosen and appropriate and are talked about afterwards, but really, movies are don’t allow for quality interaction.  I am not anti-TV, and Jason and I often watch a show together in the evenings, but it is always after the kids have gone to bed and usually it is after Jason and I have had time to talk and debrief our day.

Cook together.  Again, as mentioned above, allowing your kids to help in meal prep and cooking offers you some amazing opportunities for great conversation and training. Some of my best conversations with Alaina, my seven year old, have happened as we cooked dinner together.  Plus, she gets to learn some valuable skills!  She already knows her way around the kitchen pretty well and I am confident that I will send off an 18 year old to college with enough skills to more than adequately care for herself.

Take trips together.  In my example from yesterday, Mom A prided herself on their two yearly vacations. While my point was that these two vacations alone would not build the relationship with her daughter that she dreamed of, the vacations themselves are a great thing.  We are a family that loves to travel together and we forgo many things (new clothes, unnecessary trips to the store, $5 coffees, cable TV, and expensive meals out) so that we can afford to travel together.  Getting away from home for a few days -- or a few weeks -- is a great way to have family together time.  Playing, eating, and sometimes sleeping together will mean lasting memories and happy kids.  Trips, however, don’t have to be extravagant! It doesn’t have to be seven days at Disney or a family cruise.  It could just be camping at a local park or taking a few extra days to drive to grandma’s.  There is just something powerful about being away from home and being with the people you love.  We’ve got three trips coming up in the next few months (one for a weekend, one for four days, and one for 3 weeks!) and I am so excited!

Play with your kids. I know this sounds utterly obvious, but I would guess, based on my own experience, that this is difficult for many.  It sure is difficult for me (thankfully, Jason doesn’t seem to mind).  Kids games make me want to scream.  I loathe Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, and any other game that requires zero brain power.  I play anyway.  Hide and seek is grueling as the kids giggle so loudly that “finding them” requires all the dramatic skills I posses.  I play anyway.  I play because my kids want to be with me.  They want me to play with them, to focus on them, and to be fully engaged with what they are doing.  There are lots of ways to play with your kids -- board games, playing at the playground, putting on a dance show, singing songs, acting out stories, playing puppets, and more. Kids live for play and they desperately want their parents to be a part of it.

Take them out on-on-one.  I grew up in a family of four and I loved that fact that my parents often took us out one-on-one. Now granted, I think my mom did it to preserve her sanity (who would want to take four kids to the grocery store?) but still, the benefits were great and not forgotten.  I loved spending time with my mom without my siblings around.  It was time for me, the middle child, to really be able to open up and talk and have my mom’s full attention.  Now that I am a mother of four, I look for ways to spend time individually with my kids. It isn’t easy and I don’t do as well in this category as I would like, but it is something I am striving towards. A quick trip out for a doughnut or a weekend away -- it doesn’t matter.  Spending time with just you and just one child will go a long ways towards filling up his/her heart.

Do crafts together.  I don’t think my kids have ever turned down an opportunity to do a craft.  In fact, I usually get multiple requests a day for it.  They just love getting out all the fun materials and creating something. If coming up with ideas is hard for you, there are lots of books available on kids crafts. 

Tell them stories about when you were little.  My kids love to hear stories about my life as a little girl.  Somehow, sharing little tidbits of my life makes my kids feel connected to me. I love sharing different memories and talking about how things have changed or stayed the same since I was young.

Be consistent and thorough in discipline.  I know this may seem an odd thing to say in regards to quality time with your children, but I have found that times of discipline have been some of the most quality-filled times with my kids. I am not a huge fan of long “conversations” with a two year old, but as your kids are older (like four and above) it is amazing what can be talked about and shared in moments of discipline and correction. I often come into my child’s room after he/she has calmed down and we just talk.  I ask questions such as, ‘So, what happened here?” and “Can could we do this differently next time?”  I also make sure to tell them that I love them and that I don’t like punishing them, but that to be a good mommy I need to teach them right and wrong. Often, I also get to share a memory about a time when I was young that I made the same mistake.  Alaina especially loves to hear that I was young once and also made mistakes.  It shows her that I am human and that I have gone through what she is feeling.  It connects us together and it usually ends in snuggles and laughs.

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Obviously, these ideas are just a starting place.  But that is the point: you have to start.  If spending time with your kids -- whether in quantity or quality -- is hard for you, it is important that you start looking for ways to change that.  Take it step by step and the rewards for both you and your children will be great.

Time With Your Kids

Thank you so much, everyone, for your comments and private emails regarding my post about the desire to talk more about parenting.  I still feel shy about it, but as I have been praying the prayer, "Lord, break my heart with the things that break yours" I always come back to parenting.  I know I struggle so much and I know that so many others also struggle with this eternally-important task.  As much as I am afraid -- I am definitely not one from drama and controversy -- I need to speak out.  There are children's hearts at stake  and I want to do all I can to play my part in living out the Titus 2 command.  Imperfect, yet heartfelt. That I can promise.  And so I begin...

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Our generation is misguided.  Somehow, we have allowed ourselves to believe that there is a debate raging.  It is a “quality versus quantity” debate regarding the time spent with our children.  The battle lines are drawn as we ask the question,  “Is the amount of time we spend with our kids that is important or is it the quality of the interaction that counts?” People choose their sides and then fight in word or deed to defend their position. Stay at home moms judge and belittle working moms for the number of hours they spend away from home.  Working mothers tout the, “all she does is sit around and eat bon bons” line. Women are naturally defensive and we feel the need to rattle off any and all reasons why we -- and the life we lead -- are “right.”

There is a fundamental problem here, moms.  There is no real answer to this debate because there is a major flaw in the question itself. It really isn’t a question at all.  Good parenting is not about quality versus quantity.  I firmly believe that you cannot have one without the other and still consider yourself to be fully engaging in the act of parenting. Quality without quantity and quantity without quality are both equally dangerous and misguided.

Let’s look at two extremes of the two sides.

“Quality Time” mom:

Mom A is adamant that it really doesn’t matter how much time she spends with her daughter as long as when they are together, they make it really special.  She loves her daughter and believes that quality relationships will be built with quality time.  Mom A works a full time job outside of the home and when she gets home at night she is either busy taking care of the home, making plans for dinner, or running her daughter to various practices and programs.  Weekends are spent on various projects around the house, visiting with friends, and trying to get in a few minutes of down time as she gears up for another work week. Mom A feels good that she is exposing her daughter to lots of things and is proud that her four year old is in ballet, takes violin lessons, is at the top of her group in swim classes, and always gets good reports from the day care center. 

As busy as Mom A and her family are, she prides herself on their two yearly vacations as family.  Two times a year they get away as a family (and often with friends) and “do it up” at places like Disney or a huge water park. Those weeks, Mom A believes, are crucial to the family relationships and she feels confident that although the family doesn’t get much time together during normal weeks, these two weeks are the roots that will nourish the family in the following months.

“Quantity of time” mom:

Mom B is in a totally different situation. She spent her childhood years dreaming of getting her MRS. degree and having babies.  She never had longings for career and status.  Being a mom is what she wanted to do.  And that was that.  Mom B now has three children, age five and under.  Parenting has been a harder task that she had anticipated, and yet, she prides herself on her commitment to her kids and her willingness to be a stay at home mom.  In order to “stay sane” she likes to keep herself busy having coffee with friends, organizing play dates, watching the Food Network, and making sure the house is clean. While she does these things, the kids stay occupied with their video games, DVD player, and toys.  In fact, they have an entire room on the other side of the house dedicated to the many toys and activities they have purchased for the kids. When her kids ask her to “do something with them” she usually says she is busy or comments about the fact that they are together all day and “Mommy needs a break.”

Hopefully it isn’t hard for you to see the severe problems in both of these situations.  Mom A has convinced herself that a few big and expensive trips will make up for all the hours that she is either at work or that her daughter is in activities. Mom B things that since she is home all day together with the kids she doesn’t have to actually engage in activities with the kids -- that’s that the video games and toys are for.  After all, she is busy keeping the house clean, right?

My point in all of this is that there really isn’t a debate.  Both quality and quantity of time are necessary parts of parenting. Mom A is deceiving herself if she truly believes that a few nice vacations and perhaps the occasional movie night is going to build a deep relationship with her daughter.  Mom B, likewise, is deceiving herself if she thinks that her title as a stay at home mom will earn the love and respect of her children. 

I do want to emphasize at this point that this is not an issue about working mothers or about homeschooling mothers.  There are two women in my life that I strive to model myself after in my mothering.  One of them has seven children and has homeschooled for most of the last 15 years.  The other mother has three children and has worked, at least part time, for most of their childhood.  Both of these women are AMAZING mothers and both of them have AMAZING kids to show for it.  The thing that these two women have in common is that they both are intentional about spending time with their kids engaged in quality activities. Like I said, it isn’t an either/or debate. We, as mothers, need to invest both quantity of time and quality of time.

So how to we do this?

We have to be intentional about it.

Tomorrow I am going to share some ways that you can be intentional about spending more time with your kids and some ways that you can be sure the time you are together is meaningful and quality-filled. Time with our children needs to be plentiful, purposeful, and intentional.  Let's strive for it together.

A New Favorite

I have a new favorite photo.  My little girl -- maybe my last little girl -- who loves to grab onto the bottom of my legs and hold on for dear life as I drag her around the house trying to do whatever I need to do. Life with little ones goes so fast and I want to soak in and enjoy EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE.  Even if it would be easier to get housework done without a 20 pound ankle weight.

I love to talk about parenting (but am often scared to)

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am passionate about parenting.  I am pretty sure that I could talk about it all day, every day.  I love to talk about the hows, the whys, the do’s, the don’ts and everything in between.  If there is one subject that can get me excited as the cliche kid in a candy store, it is parenting. 

However, I don’t often talk about it.  Well, I do, but if you realized the TINY fraction of time I talk about versus the time I think about it/want to talk about it, I really can say I rarely do it.  It is a like a fire burning inside of me and yet I have so few people and so few places where sharing is possible/appropriate.  I want to share, but I don't. I suppose the reason is because, well, I am scared.

At first I was scared because I didn’t have kids.  Sure, I worked in professional childcare (with high potential/underachieving teens and then later with international students).  Sure, I had a degree in psychology and was one class short of a certificate in youth ministry. Sure, I had a lot of ideas about parenting and child-rearing and have read countless books (some of which I agreed with and some that I did not). Without the experience, though, I was afraid that no one would want to listen to anything I had to say.

Then I had a baby.  And I was still scared to talk about parenting.  The few times I did open my mouth I was met with stares that said, “Ahem, yea, you have one little kid and your parenting ideals won’t stand the test of time or the test of the two-year-old will.” I was smack dab in the middle of using my parenting philosophy on my own child, and even though I was feeling successful and proud, I knew that most people thought it was just a matter of time before I changed my tune. I often heard the comments, “You sure are lucky to have a daughter that is so good.  Just wait until the next one!” or “You’re in for a hellion next time!” or my personal favorite, “No one gets that lucky twice.”

And then I had another baby.  And another.  And another.  And while each child has had a different personality, we have worked hard to apply our parenting philosophies and intentions to each of the kids in a way that would best meet the needs of that individual.  And you know what?  It seems to be working.  Our kids are far from perfect, but we are pleased.  Jason and I are working as a team to intentionally raise these young ones in a way that will prepare them to enter the world as responsible, kind, informed, and loving young adults. Jason and I have spent many, many hours about our parenting philosophy and ideals and 95% of the time we are on the exact same page (the remaining 5% most often relates to me being overly uptight about noise and messes and him being the cool dad who doesn’t mind cleaning up the tornado that follows the kids around).  A lot of talk and a lot of action...and we are seeing the results.

So here we are, seven years and four kids into this journey and I still want to talk about parenting. I want to talk about the passion of my heart.  I want to share the things that are working with us, the things that we want to improve upon, and the ways we seek to fully embrace this amazing and totally chaotic time in our lives.  I want so much to help other young mothers in this journey.  I want to remind them that this time in our lives is hard. It may be is tiring and filled with snot, spilled milk, and tears (the kids’ and ours!) and yet, it is eternally significant.  What I do (or don’t do) really does matter.  It does make a difference.  It it something worth talking about, striving for, praying through, and improving upon.

I’ll let you in on a secret, though.  I am still scared.  I am still scared of offending people.  I am still afraid that people will see me as arrogant, misinformed, “lucky,” stupid, mean to my kids, and selfish. I am afraid that people will think we believe that our way is the only way to do things.  I am afraid that my heart for helping other moms will, in effect, hurt others.  I am also afraid that people will think that we have the perfect kids or that I am a perfect mom.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I am just a mom with four little kids who wants to be better every day and who wants other moms to strive for the same.

And so, with much hesitation,I think I will start sharing more....a little more in depth and more often than I have in the past.  If nothing else, it will be good for my kids to be able to read someday.  They will one day be able to see that the choices we made and the struggles we encountered were real, and that we sought God’s wisdom and strength as we worked through them.  I hope though, that it can be more than that.  I hope that something I say can be of some use and/or encouragement to other mothers out there. I want women to know that they are not alone. I also want them to know that it truly is possible to enjoy this time of life, even amongst the endless piles of laundry, food that has to be scraped off the floor, and the unwritten toddler/preschooler rule that states that mom is not allowed to sit down for more than 2.5 seconds before another demand request is made.


I am setting my fears aside and choosing to write about parenting, but please know this:

1.  I don’t believe that our way is the only way. I have friends who I respect and women I admire who choose to approach parenting from a very different perspective.  I am not saying that every way is right, but I am also not saying only one way is right.

2. I believe that there are biblical parenting issues and personal preference parenting issues.  There is a difference.

3.  I firmly believe the the words of Proverbs 22:15: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child...” That is to say that I do not believe that kids are capable of being perfectly behaved and/or making wise choices at all times. However, I DO believe that kids can must learn to be obedient, kind, thoughtful, respectful, and self-controlled and it is the parents duty to model and teach these behaviors.

4. I don’t believe that parenting is always instinctual or that it comes naturally for every person.  Just like playing a musical instrument or having any sense of direction is not natural for me, parenting may not be natural for you.  With enough time, effort, and determination anyone can play a musical instrument and anyone can be a great parent.  Some people just have to work harder than others. This may be due to many reasons, including a poor example from one's own parents.

5. I don’t think mothers go into this role with a realistic enough picture of what it is going to be like. Part of this is due to starry-eyed naivete and some of it is due to the utter failure of older women to live out Titus 2:3-5.

6. I approach parenting from a conservative Christian perspective.  Those who are not believers would have no reason to agree with me in many areas of parenting. I understand and respect that.

7. I make mistakes.  ALL. THE. TIME.

My Little Girl is Seven!

 

It is so hard to comprehend the fact that I have a SEVEN year old.  On the one hand it seems like just yesterday that I brought her into the world, and on the other hand, we have done so much and been so many places that it seems like she has been with us forever!  What I do know is that the last seven years have been so incredibly amazing...thanks to this little one and her siblings that followed.  Being a mom -- while being tiring, frustrating, overwhelming, time-consuming, and heart-wrenching -- is the most amazing, laughter-filled, encouraging, awe-inspiring, and humbling thing I have ever done.  There really are no words to describe it.  It took us a number of years and three miscarriages to get to this little lady.  And she has brought SO MUCH into our lives.  We are so very blessed!  HERE is a really long account of the little girls real birthday!

And now I have a mommy confession to make.  Up until this year, I have successfully talked Alaina out of a friend party every year.  I know.  I am bad.  I am horrible.  And I am selfish.  One, I want to celebrate as a family all alone and two, friend parties scare me.  The planning and the prep are just fine, but the actual running of the shin dig?  Well that's another story! Each year she mentions a  party and while I never say no, I always manage to find some other idea that I know she can't resist.  And so, for seven years, I have never had to throw a birthday party for a room full of girls.  Sure, we have had families come over and celebrate with us but that is totally different than invitations, decorations, and food!  But this year, Alaina really wanted a party and my mommy guilt set in (even as I offered her some other tempting options) and I finally said, "Let's do it."

I asked her what kind of party she wanted (I really needed a theme to work with) and she settled on a little bakery. So we  made some invitations and I knew there was no backing out! Because I work best under pressure, I really didn't have any solid plans until....oh, about two days before the event.  And I had no plans for decorations until....oh, about four hours before the event.  Yea, me and procrastination go hand in hand.  That said, I DO think things turned out great and Alaina said many times yesterday, "This is the BEST birthday EVER!"  I am SO glad my little girl loved her big day!

We had four activities:  we made chef hats, we put together cookies in a jar (for the girls to take home), they got to throw plates of whipped cream at Jason (Alaina's request!), and we decorated cookies. Then there were cupcakes (white cake with seven minute frosting) and Fanta Floats and lots of giggles and playing and being girls!